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Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for
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Ali Wong!
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A COMEDY SPECIAL FROM
NETFLIX
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Hello! Welcome! Thanks!
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Thank you for coming!
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Hello!
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This has to go fast, -
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- because I will need to pee
in ten minutes.
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But thanks, everyone, for coming!
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It's an exciting day for me.
The whole year has been exciting.
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I turned 33 this year.
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Yes! Thank you, all five of you. I appreciate it.
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I notice that I am getting older, -
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- because nowadays, when I see an 18-year-old girl, -
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- I automatically think:
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"Fuck off!"
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I don't know you, but go to hell!
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I am simply a newspaper.
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First of all, on their metabolism.
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18-year-old girls eat a lot, -
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- then they just go on the mug,
and the stomach is flat again.
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Between the thighs they have a wonderful void.
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If they stand with their feet together,
is there a gap here -
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- where their brilliant future shines through.
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When they go to bed,
they fall asleep immediately.
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They don't know what insomnia is.
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They don't know what it's like
having to take an Ambien -
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- or download a podcast
from Meditation Oasis -
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- to calm the chatter of frustration
and resentment towards the family -
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- which takes up all the space in one's thoughts.
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They have their whole lives ahead of them.
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They don't have HPV yet.
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They just fall asleep peacefully in the evenings.
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Everyone has HPV, okay?
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Everyone has it. It's okay.
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Acknowledge. Everyone has it.
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If you don't have it yet, get it!
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It will be inside.
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If you don't have HPV, you're an idiot.
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That's what it says about one.
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Men often do not know they have HPV.
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It cannot be tested in men.
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It is worthless. HPV is a ghost
that haunt men's bodies -
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- and says "Boo!" in women's bodies.
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My doctor said I have
one of two types of HPV.
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Either the variant that is being developed
to cervical cancer.
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Or that variant
where my body heals itself.
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Helpful doctor, eh?
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So, either I'll die -
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- or you watch Wolverine,
sweethearts!
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I also notice that I am getting older, -
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- because my e-book reader
is full of self-help literature.
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I suck at books
like 50 shades of him.
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I am interested in The Art of Cleaning.
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How to clear the mess in my home -
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- to get inner peace
and be as successful as possible.
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As a 30-year-old
if you want help to get out of the shit.
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I am a worthless person.
I am not satisfied with my life.
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How can I get out of this shit?
Tony Robbins, Help!
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I can't throw anything away.
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I hope that is the main reason
to my other problems.
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If I start throwing things away
maybe the HPV virus will disappear.
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I have a problem with throwing things away,
because mom is from a poor country.
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She has taught me never to throw anything away.
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You never know when a dictator
will take over the whole country -
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- and steal everything you own.
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Best to save the braces
which you had in third.
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You can use it as a shovel -
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- when you shovel gold up your ass -
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- and fleeing from the communists.
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The last time I visited at home, -
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- I helped her throw things away.
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Never do that to your mothers,
It was the worst thing I've ever been through!
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It was so emotional.
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We shouted, fought and scolded each other
and the highlight was -
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- when she refused to throw away -
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- a Texas Instruments TI-82 -
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- manual.
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The manual. She doesn't even know -
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- where the calculator is.
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You who are under 25 -
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- probably don't even know what it is.
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A calculator that robbed my generation.
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We had to buy it in eighth grade.
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It cost about $200.
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Everyone bought it, as if it had been
Judy Jetson's laptop from the future.
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And why?
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It could draw curves.
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It was the Tesla of that time.
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Mom got so emotional over the manual.
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She said, "It might come in handy."
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I said, "But... I know—
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- that I have to clear among all this
when you die."
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And I try to stop putting things off.
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According to Deepak-Oprah -
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- is that what is stopping me
from optimal success.
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I have matured a lot in the last year.
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I have also married…
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Hooray!
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With a man who now has HPV.
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He must have been lucky.
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He has given me something, -
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- I have given him something, -
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- which will last forever.
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No, I'm the one who got lucky.
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Before him,
I dated a lot of losers.
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Skater.
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Do you want to be a grown woman,
stop dating skaters.
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If you don't want to wake up
on a mattress in a kitchen.
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They are sexy on the outside,
inside there is only liquor.
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Worthless.
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My husband and I met at a wedding.
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He is much prettier than me.
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He is in a different class.
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When I saw him, I thought:
"Heavens, who is that?"
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The first thing I learned about him was -
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- that he studied
at Harvard Business School.
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I thought, "Heavens, I'm going to catch him."
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"I have to catch him!"
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First I caught him -
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- by kissing him
only on our fifth date.
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It is very unusual
as for me.
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It was on purpose, -
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- because he was a chap.
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I said to myself:
“You've got to make the dude believe—
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- that your body is a secret garden."
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Although it is a public park -
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- where many reggae festivals
has been held -
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- and there even -
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- two homeless people slipped in once.
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I thought they were hipsters, okay?
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Urban Outfitters
has made things very confusing -
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- for my generation.
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Are you homeless or a hipster?
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Is the beard a fashion thing or warming?
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It happened -
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- in San Francisco when I lived there.
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I saw a guy in broad daylight.
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The spark was certainly there.
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He said: "Wait, the situation?"
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I said, "The situation?"
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Before I knew it, -
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- we made friends in the back seat of my Volvo.
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Afterwards he said, "Can you drop me off?"
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I said, "Where?" He said, "By the park."
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I dropped him off at the park -
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- and saw him run in
among all other homeless people.
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I thought, “Oh, no!
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I have beeped a homeless person!
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Again!
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My husband is Asian.
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It makes many surprised, -
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- for usually
usually Asian-American women -
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- with glasses like these,
and expressed opinions -
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- dating white guys.
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Visit a hipster-dense area
in a large American city.
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Clean, frame the Yoko Ono factory.
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It's too much.
I don't know what is wrong with them.
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Okay, when you're with a white dude -
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- do you feel...
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You feel picturesque
when you're with a white dude.
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Like being in a Wes Anderson movie.
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White dudes teach you cool stuff, -
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- such as voting and sorting garbage, -
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- and watch documentaries.
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They show such cool things.
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It's sexy to be with a white dude.
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Nothing makes me feel more powerful -
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- than being licked by a white dude.
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My God.
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It feels as if I
absorbs all privileges, -
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- all benefits, -
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- right there through the actual coin toss.
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Besides, he's so vulnerable down there.
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"I can crush your skull anytime,
white man!
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I can kill you right now!
Mash that brain!
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Colonize the colonial power,” you know.
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But when it comes to marriage, -
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00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,893
- can it be nice
if you belong to the same race.
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The advantage is that you can go home -
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- and be racists together.
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You can say what you want!
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You don't have to explain things.
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My husband is half Filipino
and half Japanese.
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I'm half Chinese,
half Vietnamese.
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We devote 100% of our time -
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- started talking bad about Koreans.
That's great.
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That's what love is made of.
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My last boyfriend was Cuban.
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His family spoke ill of Mexicans -
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- all the time.
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I said, “Wait a minute.
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Aren't you Mexicans?"
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Asian-American men are underrated.
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I don't know why more people don't hunt them.
They are so sexy!
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Asian men are super sexy.
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They have no body hair
below the neck.
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It's like making love to a dolphin.
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God, it's so smooth.
Like a slide.
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Like having an orca
in bed every night.
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00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:50,371
If you flirt with a Jew,
the skin is completely soaked afterwards!
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Red and irritated, and you think:
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“I didn't ask to get a peel today.
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J-date.com should rather
hot luffasvamp.com.
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00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:05,886
Thanks for the carpet burn, Avi."
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00:14:11,058 --> 00:14:14,311
Asian men have no body odor either.
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00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,524
They just smell responsibly.
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00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:24,864
That's where the umami flavor comes from.
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00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:35,791
My husband and I have a deep
unspoken understanding -
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- among themselves, -
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00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:39,628
- because he is Filipino-Japanese, -
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00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,881
- and I Chinese-Vietnamese.
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00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:45,342
We are both half beautiful Asians, -
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- and half jungle people.
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Exactly that!
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00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:57,646
There is a difference.
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The nice Asians are Chinese and Japanese.
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00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:03,777
They get to do nice things,
such as being the host country for the Olympics.
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00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,488
Jungle people are hosts to disease.
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They are different.
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00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,952
But he grew up on the East Coast.
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Went to private school and played lacrosse, -
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00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:19,627
- studied Latin
and played chess and rugby.
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00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,338
He grew up as a Filipino Carlton.
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So he knew nothing about Vietnamese -
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- until he met me.
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00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,596
On one of our first dates -
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00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:34,224
- he took me to a restaurant
in West Los Angeles -
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- called the "Pho Show."
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00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:47,196
He said: “It is authentically Vietnamese.
It was on Yelp."
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00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,907
I said, "It's not authentic."
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You know that because of the name.
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There is no number in it.
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Secondly, it is noticeable in the toilet.
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If it was real, -
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- the toilet would also be storage.
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When I pee, I expect to see
40 liters of chlorine, an ATM -
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- and a grandmother with glaucoma
who sleeps in a corner.
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The wait staff is too polite.
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We should be deaf
and mentally abused as we go.
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I also went to private school.
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00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:34,743
He and I are both private school Asians.
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00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,996
We are also both hippies.
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00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:39,915
We like to travel around Southeast Asia.
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00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,001
We like yoga.
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00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,753
Ayahuasca ceremonies, -
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00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,714
- meditation retreats in silence.
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00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:50,342
That's right, we pay $800
to keep quiet for a weekend.
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We do that kind of thing.
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00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:54,096
We eat gluten-free.
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00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:58,058
This means that we eat bread that tastes good
like free-roaming Chewbacca.
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00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,645
We eat the lesbian bread -
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00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:06,108
- containing 1,000%
of the daily requirement of dietary fiber -
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- and 20% spoken word poetry.
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00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:16,035
If you eat it, you are inspired
to literary mousetraps -
256
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,748
- about support for Caitlyn Jenner or something.
257
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:26,628
The funny thing is -
258
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:29,423
- that he is also Asian.
259
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:32,760
But because of
all the hippie activities we engage in -
260
00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:36,513
- it feels like we are white, -
261
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:39,183
- imitating Asians.
262
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:44,688
We have boards with Chinese characters.
263
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:48,734
None of us know what they mean.
264
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:56,950
We think, “Oh, it matches
our Buddha-shaped piggy bank -
265
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:59,620
- from Pier 1 Imports."
266
00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:03,457
"It probably has good feng shui."
267
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:11,673
He and I had been together for four years.
268
00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:17,262
I had a sneaking suspicion -
269
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,431
- that he was thinking of proposing, -
270
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,392
- because -
271
00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:25,979
- I had pestered him about it.
272
00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:33,362
I had a strange female premonition.
273
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:36,907
That's how courtship works.
274
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:40,244
A woman must plant the idea
in the man's head.
275
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:43,122
First passively,
and then, if he doesn't understand, -
276
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:45,207
- extremely aggressive.
277
00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:49,002
You have to threaten to leave them,
although you don't do that.
278
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:51,046
You know you're too old, -
279
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:54,466
- and it's too late
to go out and find someone new, -
280
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,719
- and start all over again
with the manipulation program.
281
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:02,391
One thinks: "I cling to him, -
282
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,601
- focuses on getting him caught, -
283
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:10,274
- by nagging like hell
until he folds -
284
00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:13,402
- and gets tired and says: "Shut up!
285
00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,196
Okay, then, shall we get married?
286
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,908
Afterwards, the woman is always just as surprised.
287
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:23,412
"My God! He proposed!
288
00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:28,125
All of a sudden!
289
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:33,172
Look, he has bought
exactly the ring I wanted.
290
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,300
How could he know that?
291
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:41,847
Maybe he saw it on my Pinterest page -
292
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:46,935
- as I asked my bestie
to forward to him every day."
293
00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:53,358
I can talk about one thing.
If a man has a Pinterest page -
294
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:56,737
- then he is probably interested in men.
295
00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:06,038
We got engaged on a Saturday.
296
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:09,458
On Tuesday I bought the wedding dress.
297
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,545
I had tried it in 2012.
298
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:17,174
I was ready.
299
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:18,550
I was mature.
300
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:20,469
The excess power.
301
00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:24,765
I had reached the stage
where one is only good for banana bread.
302
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:33,899
People are always surprised by how I am
in real life with my husband.
303
00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:36,443
I am completely different.
304
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:40,822
You would never recognize
my personality when I'm with him.
305
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,200
With him I am very soft, -
306
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:46,495
- caring and domestic.
307
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:49,456
We have been together for five years.
308
00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:54,836
Every day for five years,
I have prepared his lunch box.
309
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,129
Yes.
310
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,714
Yes.
311
00:20:57,839 --> 00:21:00,217
Yes.
312
00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:04,096
So that he would become dependent on me.
313
00:21:11,186 --> 00:21:14,147
Because he has a degree
from Harvard Business School, -
314
00:21:14,606 --> 00:21:16,942
- and I don't want to work anymore.
315
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:22,406
I simply don't want that.
316
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:25,284
I don't cook for him out of kindness.
317
00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:29,288
It is an investment
in my financial future.
318
00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:32,374
Because I don't want to work anymore!
319
00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:35,252
I have read a book by Sheryl Sandberg.
320
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,796
Facebook's chief operating officer.
321
00:21:37,879 --> 00:21:41,967
Her book has made all women
annoyed at their jobs.
322
00:21:42,175 --> 00:21:45,637
It is about
that women must challenge themselves.
323
00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:48,682
Take a seat at the table and reach the top.
324
00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:51,685
The book is called Lean in.
325
00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:57,816
I don't want to lean in, okay?
326
00:21:57,899 --> 00:22:00,527
I want to lie down.
327
00:22:05,615 --> 00:22:07,743
I just want to go to bed!
328
00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:13,540
Feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women.
329
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:18,211
Our job was not to work.
330
00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:22,257
We had such a good time.
331
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:25,469
We could have made the smart move.
332
00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:29,014
We could have continued to play dumb -
333
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:30,724
- another century -
334
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:32,851
- and said: "We are stupid women.
335
00:22:32,934 --> 00:22:34,519
We can't handle anything.
336
00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:37,522
It's probably best that we stay home
all days, -
337
00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:39,441
- eating snacks and watching Ellen.
338
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:45,238
We are too stupid
to have some real responsibility."
339
00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:48,075
But they must prove capable -
340
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:51,244
- and say: "We can do it! We can do anything."
341
00:22:51,661 --> 00:22:53,789
Shut up, honey!
342
00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:58,001
Don't reveal the secret.
343
00:23:01,379 --> 00:23:02,839
They messed up for us.
344
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:06,051
Now people expect us to work.
345
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:09,763
The phrase "Dual Income Household" -
346
00:23:09,846 --> 00:23:11,264
- makes me sick!
347
00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:19,481
Many women get very angry
when I say things like this.
348
00:23:20,273 --> 00:23:23,568
They say: "But, Ali,
we have many more opportunities now."
349
00:23:24,444 --> 00:23:26,655
So we didn't have many opportunities -
350
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:29,241
- when we were free all days?
351
00:23:32,744 --> 00:23:35,122
No times to fit, no supervision, -
352
00:23:35,288 --> 00:23:37,666
- and most importantly, we were sponsored.
353
00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:43,255
Do you know how much worse food tastes -
354
00:23:43,630 --> 00:23:45,340
- when you have to work for it?
355
00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:55,684
When I go to town with my friends -
356
00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:57,561
- many of them are judgmental -
357
00:23:57,644 --> 00:24:00,647
- when we see housewives on the street.
358
00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:03,024
“Look at that damn housewife.
359
00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:04,109
She does nothing, -
360
00:24:04,192 --> 00:24:06,653
- just walking around all day -
361
00:24:06,736 --> 00:24:09,406
— and getting massages in their Lululemon pants."
362
00:24:11,658 --> 00:24:13,952
I say, “That sub is a genius.
363
00:24:15,871 --> 00:24:18,456
She is not a housewife, but a pensioner."
364
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:24,004
I write for Fresh Off the Boat on ABC.
365
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:25,297
Yes.
366
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:26,715
Which is -
367
00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:28,466
- a great program.
368
00:24:28,675 --> 00:24:30,760
I like it and my colleagues.
369
00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:33,305
They are very talented, and as a job -
370
00:24:33,388 --> 00:24:36,183
- that's enough
among the best you could wish for.
371
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:40,770
But I still have to work
in an office every day.
372
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:45,525
That means I have to poop
in an office every day.
373
00:24:45,942 --> 00:24:49,446
Housewives don't need to poop
in an office.
374
00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:52,657
Housewives are allowed to poop at home.
375
00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:54,659
With the skin against the seat.
376
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:58,330
They do not need to use
that awful paper cover.
377
00:24:58,496 --> 00:24:59,664
They avoid...
378
00:25:03,001 --> 00:25:05,754
Ten times daily.
379
00:25:07,797 --> 00:25:10,383
As if you are going to eat some boring meal.
380
00:25:11,426 --> 00:25:12,636
They avoid that.
381
00:25:12,719 --> 00:25:15,972
They avoid using cheap toilet paper, -
382
00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:17,557
- office toilet paper, -
383
00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:20,769
- which they have deliberately made difficult
to draw forward.
384
00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:24,481
They try to ration
his communist toilet paper -
385
00:25:24,564 --> 00:25:25,815
- which doesn't even work.
386
00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:28,777
It just dries out the ass.
387
00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:31,613
Like drying yourself in the hedge with a desert.
388
00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:39,454
I spat on the toilet paper
two days ago, -
389
00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:42,707
- to try to transform it
to a wet wipe.
390
00:25:42,874 --> 00:25:46,419
It paid off,
for the fingers went straight through the paper, -
391
00:25:46,544 --> 00:25:49,547
- and this caused more poo to come out.
392
00:25:49,631 --> 00:25:51,758
Then I have to start all over again.
393
00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:01,935
You never have time to dry yourself properly.
394
00:26:02,018 --> 00:26:03,937
You feel stressed.
395
00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:05,230
You're paranoid -
396
00:26:05,313 --> 00:26:08,024
- and believe that the colleagues
should recognize one's shoes -
397
00:26:08,108 --> 00:26:09,526
- under the partition wall.
398
00:26:09,776 --> 00:26:12,153
“Oh, no! Courtney's listening.
399
00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:14,531
She is waiting. She takes her time."
400
00:26:14,656 --> 00:26:16,992
You speed up, -
401
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,660
- does not dry completely, -
402
00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:21,746
- and doesn't feel
fresh the rest of the day.
403
00:26:21,830 --> 00:26:23,790
If you dare to itch -
404
00:26:23,873 --> 00:26:25,667
- this is what the panties look like in the evening -
405
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:28,003
- as if the Goonies have run them over.
406
00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:38,680
Housewives don't have to think about it
to poop quietly.
407
00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:42,851
They don't have to worry about
how fast the poop comes out.
408
00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:44,853
They avoid -
409
00:26:44,978 --> 00:26:46,938
- squeeze the buttocks -
410
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:51,443
- for the poo to come out
at a constant speed, -
411
00:26:51,818 --> 00:26:55,488
- so that they don't happen
make a sound, -
412
00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:58,575
- which would be deeply embarrassing.
413
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:02,746
Housewives can fart on the toilet -
414
00:27:02,871 --> 00:27:06,458
- and let it echo in the corridor outside, -
415
00:27:06,624 --> 00:27:10,295
- while they watch Netflix
on their iPads as much as they want.
416
00:27:11,963 --> 00:27:15,050
They avoid boring, inhibited poo moments.
417
00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:17,510
They can listen to podcasts.
418
00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:23,224
Planet Money. They can do whatever they want.
419
00:27:29,773 --> 00:27:32,817
It's very distracting -
420
00:27:32,901 --> 00:27:34,819
- when I hear my colleagues -
421
00:27:34,903 --> 00:27:36,946
- fart on the toilet.
422
00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:39,824
I lose respect for them.
423
00:27:40,241 --> 00:27:42,827
Nothing they say after that -
424
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,954
- has any credibility.
425
00:27:46,581 --> 00:27:50,043
One day I heard a colleague fart
on the toilet.
426
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,879
The fellow had the guts to come and say:
427
00:27:53,296 --> 00:27:55,673
"You must be on time for work."
428
00:27:57,592 --> 00:28:00,178
I said, “You have to eat bananas.
429
00:28:02,597 --> 00:28:04,265
I saw your ballerina shoes.
430
00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:05,725
I know it was you!
431
00:28:06,309 --> 00:28:08,395
Don't criticize me for crap, -
432
00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:10,730
- because I know shit about you!"
433
00:28:14,401 --> 00:28:17,445
My father-in-law had a serious conversation -
434
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,614
- with me and my husband recently.
435
00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:21,157
He said:
436
00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:24,786
“I want to talk to you about money.
437
00:28:24,953 --> 00:28:28,039
You must earn better -
438
00:28:28,289 --> 00:28:29,958
- if you want to be able to give your children -
439
00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:34,045
- the same privileged upbringing
which you yourselves had."
440
00:28:34,879 --> 00:28:37,382
I thought, “Why are you telling me that?
441
00:28:37,465 --> 00:28:40,260
I shouldn't be participating in this conversation.
442
00:28:40,343 --> 00:28:41,761
Tell that to your son.
443
00:28:41,928 --> 00:28:43,263
Don't you understand -
444
00:28:43,346 --> 00:28:46,307
- that I took your son
for his potential income?
445
00:28:47,016 --> 00:28:49,436
Why else fuck the same person -
446
00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:51,062
- the rest of your life?
447
00:28:51,563 --> 00:28:55,150
I married him
to be able to retire early.
448
00:28:55,275 --> 00:28:56,818
When I said yes, -
449
00:28:56,985 --> 00:28:58,570
- that's what I really meant:
450
00:28:58,778 --> 00:29:00,321
"Good, I'm done."
451
00:29:02,991 --> 00:29:04,075
I'm done.
452
00:29:04,159 --> 00:29:05,952
I don't want to work anymore, -
453
00:29:06,286 --> 00:29:08,037
- and I'm not losing weight anymore.
454
00:29:08,121 --> 00:29:09,581
Since I got married, -
455
00:29:09,664 --> 00:29:12,625
- have I eaten
grilled chicken skin daily.
456
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:16,045
Exactly that. I fulfill my destiny, -
457
00:29:16,796 --> 00:29:19,758
- to become a circle of eyelashes.
458
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:22,802
Like Mrs. Pacman.
459
00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:26,055
"Refurnish!"
460
00:29:33,813 --> 00:29:36,775
I gave up a lot of myself
when I got married.
461
00:29:36,983 --> 00:29:38,943
I'm dirty and perverted.
462
00:29:39,527 --> 00:29:40,862
I'm a pervert.
463
00:29:41,070 --> 00:29:43,865
A disgusting, filthy animal.
464
00:29:44,199 --> 00:29:45,366
It probably depends on -
465
00:29:45,450 --> 00:29:48,995
- that I started watching porn
at an early age.
466
00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:51,748
When you start watching porn -
467
00:29:51,831 --> 00:29:53,208
- at an early age, -
468
00:29:53,583 --> 00:29:56,795
- then you get sicker and sicker.
469
00:29:56,878 --> 00:30:00,799
You just want sicker people
and sicker pictures.
470
00:30:01,049 --> 00:30:02,050
But it's okay, -
471
00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:04,969
- because the internet always keeps pace.
472
00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:12,560
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, -
473
00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:16,022
- because he refused to put it in the back.
474
00:30:17,607 --> 00:30:20,777
I said, “You're an idiot.
475
00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:24,572
Do you realize that if I advertised online
476
00:30:25,532 --> 00:30:29,035
'Petite Asian woman seeks anal', -
477
00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:32,539
- so the internet would crash?
478
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:38,086
All the male Jewish heads in the world -
479
00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:40,213
- would explode at the same time."
480
00:30:41,172 --> 00:30:42,966
Explode.
481
00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:46,553
Many women panic -
482
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:48,513
- when it comes to anal sex.
483
00:30:48,596 --> 00:30:50,765
“I don't want to do that.
484
00:30:50,890 --> 00:30:52,725
I'm afraid of the pain."
485
00:30:53,017 --> 00:30:54,978
You are not afraid of the pain.
486
00:30:55,061 --> 00:30:58,064
Women wax their eyebrows
and do such horrible things.
487
00:30:58,147 --> 00:30:59,482
It's not the pain.
488
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:00,900
What you are afraid of -
489
00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:02,819
- is shit on the pit.
490
00:31:05,405 --> 00:31:07,490
You're afraid he'll see it -
491
00:31:07,574 --> 00:31:09,450
- and that's all you're ashamed of, -
492
00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:12,579
- your inner evil,
your secrets and lies.
493
00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:14,873
Makeup can't help you now.
494
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:19,586
But don't worry, -
495
00:31:19,752 --> 00:31:22,672
- because when he puts it in the butt,
he just thinks:
496
00:31:22,964 --> 00:31:24,883
“I stuck it in her butt.
497
00:31:26,634 --> 00:31:28,678
I have to call mom, -
498
00:31:28,761 --> 00:31:29,762
- dad,
499
00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:30,889
dave -
500
00:31:30,972 --> 00:31:32,181
- and grandma."
501
00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:37,687
If you are married
then you have to test anal sooner or later.
502
00:31:37,812 --> 00:31:40,148
You have to raise the bar.
503
00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:43,234
Raise the bar to avoid infidelity.
504
00:31:43,318 --> 00:31:44,777
Keep the interest up.
505
00:31:44,986 --> 00:31:46,863
If you place it in different holes, -
506
00:31:47,030 --> 00:31:50,408
- maybe it feels like it
as if you beep different people.
507
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:55,121
I was very active in my 20s, -
508
00:31:55,455 --> 00:31:57,832
- and because of that I'm a bit -
509
00:32:01,544 --> 00:32:03,630
- stretched out down there, okay?
510
00:32:03,922 --> 00:32:05,590
When I tried anal sex, -
511
00:32:05,673 --> 00:32:09,135
- it felt like a second chance in life.
512
00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:10,970
I thought, “Oh my God!
513
00:32:11,054 --> 00:32:13,640
It's like traveling back in time!"
514
00:32:14,182 --> 00:32:18,019
A whole new world
515
00:32:20,146 --> 00:32:21,856
Magical!
516
00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:27,362
One of my big fantasies
before i got married -
517
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:30,740
- where to help as many men as possible -
518
00:32:31,157 --> 00:32:33,201
- to discover his prostate.
519
00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:35,286
As a conqueror.
520
00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:36,788
I just wanted to…
521
00:32:37,455 --> 00:32:39,624
If you haven't done it before, -
522
00:32:39,707 --> 00:32:41,876
- girls, go home and find something fun.
523
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:43,252
Do it tonight.
524
00:32:43,419 --> 00:32:44,712
You only live once.
525
00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:46,172
YOLO.  Just sneak in…
526
00:32:46,422 --> 00:32:48,549
Just give your husband -
527
00:32:48,633 --> 00:32:50,969
- a little pressure.
528
00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:53,388
Give him a little Atari.
529
00:32:53,638 --> 00:32:56,933
He will resist
to begin with.
530
00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:58,559
“No!
531
00:32:58,685 --> 00:33:00,019
No!
532
00:33:00,103 --> 00:33:02,563
No, please! I actually want in... No!
533
00:33:02,772 --> 00:33:05,608
No!"
534
00:33:07,652 --> 00:33:09,988
They will screw up.
535
00:33:10,738 --> 00:33:12,073
Because they are afraid.
536
00:33:12,365 --> 00:33:15,660
They worry that you will
thumbs up there -
537
00:33:15,743 --> 00:33:17,036
- and succeed, -
538
00:33:17,203 --> 00:33:18,705
- and if they like it -
539
00:33:19,038 --> 00:33:20,915
- so maybe it means -
540
00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:22,458
- that they are gay.
541
00:33:28,798 --> 00:33:30,258
I like that worry.
542
00:33:33,636 --> 00:33:35,930
I turn it on.
543
00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:38,307
Especially when the concerns -
544
00:33:38,391 --> 00:33:40,560
- turns into lust!
545
00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:41,853
My God!
546
00:33:41,936 --> 00:33:44,397
You can see the expression in the man's eyes.
547
00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:46,441
As if he discovered nirvana.
548
00:33:48,026 --> 00:33:50,820
As if you are the first girl
who showed him -
549
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:53,531
- that he has a magic clit in his ass.
550
00:33:53,781 --> 00:33:56,951
In his eyes, you have just turned into
551
00:33:57,076 --> 00:33:59,954
Lord of the Hedge, you know?
552
00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:10,006
My husband is unfortunately
not as twisted as me.
553
00:34:10,214 --> 00:34:12,592
When I ask him to spank me -
554
00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:13,718
- he does like this.
555
00:34:20,933 --> 00:34:23,269
“Are you doing well?
556
00:34:23,978 --> 00:34:26,856
Is everything good?
You know I respect you right?"
557
00:34:27,565 --> 00:34:30,109
I said, "Yes, I know that, -
558
00:34:30,193 --> 00:34:33,988
- and it is
therefore you have to beat me up, okay?"
559
00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:36,866
They are strong-willed and rowdy girls -
560
00:34:36,949 --> 00:34:39,494
- who want to be abused in bed.
561
00:34:39,702 --> 00:34:41,245
Female CEOs -
562
00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:43,039
- wants to have a hard time.
563
00:34:43,122 --> 00:34:45,833
They want to have…
564
00:34:46,209 --> 00:34:48,377
Glasses mean that the woman wants to...
565
00:35:02,683 --> 00:35:05,853
Because we always have everything under control.
566
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:08,439
We want to experience -
567
00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:11,234
- a little dangerous and losing control.
568
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,236
“I don't want to die!
569
00:35:13,820 --> 00:35:16,197
Don't kill me! I don't want to die!"
570
00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:19,909
But I don't want to be
absolutely certain to survive.
571
00:35:22,578 --> 00:35:25,039
I just want to be out of control for a while.
572
00:35:25,123 --> 00:35:28,376
Just strangle me a little,
so that I cannot speak.
573
00:35:29,669 --> 00:35:30,795
Because can I talk, -
574
00:35:31,045 --> 00:35:32,588
- I'll give you instructions.
575
00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:37,135
And I'm tired of deciding.
576
00:35:37,385 --> 00:35:39,554
I do it all the time, so in bed -
577
00:35:39,679 --> 00:35:41,139
- you decide.
578
00:35:42,682 --> 00:35:43,933
Yes.
579
00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:46,769
Because I'm the real boss, -
580
00:35:48,187 --> 00:35:49,939
- and I have told you, -
581
00:35:50,022 --> 00:35:51,232
- so do it!
582
00:35:56,821 --> 00:35:59,949
Sheryl Sandberg,
the woman who wrote Lean In, -
583
00:36:00,032 --> 00:36:02,034
- has had such an influence, -
584
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:03,870
- so because of her, -
585
00:36:04,203 --> 00:36:08,332
- may no longer be used
the word "bossy" in elementary school.
586
00:36:08,541 --> 00:36:10,209
Because according to her -
587
00:36:10,585 --> 00:36:13,296
- is it sexist.
588
00:36:13,379 --> 00:36:16,048
Because you never call boys bossy.
589
00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:20,011
Instead of saying "You're bossy," -
590
00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:21,304
- should you say:
591
00:36:21,387 --> 00:36:24,098
"You have good leadership qualities."
592
00:36:25,975 --> 00:36:28,936
Which is a paraphrase for:
593
00:36:29,437 --> 00:36:30,897
"You're a little cunt."
594
00:36:37,195 --> 00:36:39,030
I'm waiting for the right opportunity -
595
00:36:39,113 --> 00:36:42,575
- to become a housewife,
with regard to the economy.
596
00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:46,829
My husband must first achieve
a certain income level.
597
00:36:47,163 --> 00:36:49,540
We as a couple should have such good finances -
598
00:36:49,624 --> 00:36:52,126
- that I can easily afford -
599
00:36:52,251 --> 00:36:53,794
- sliced mango.
600
00:36:55,963 --> 00:36:59,133
You know what kind I mean?
Mango from Whole Foods -
601
00:36:59,258 --> 00:37:01,719
- which costs $10 per pack -
602
00:37:01,886 --> 00:37:04,096
- and has been sliced by whites.
603
00:37:04,472 --> 00:37:07,350
That is the level of income I want to achieve.
604
00:37:08,100 --> 00:37:09,727
Then you have succeeded.
605
00:37:09,852 --> 00:37:12,063
When eating sliced mango -
606
00:37:12,146 --> 00:37:13,397
- by someone named Noah.
607
00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:15,399
I want Noah mango,
608
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:17,193
Rebecca Kiwi -
609
00:37:17,652 --> 00:37:19,153
- and Danielle pineapple.
610
00:37:20,529 --> 00:37:21,739
And besides -
611
00:37:21,822 --> 00:37:26,869
- do I want to be able to walk on the pavement, -
612
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:28,621
- see a 25 cent, -
613
00:37:28,871 --> 00:37:30,456
- and just keep going.
614
00:37:33,584 --> 00:37:34,710
Like a princess.
615
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:41,968
I have useful tips for the rest of you
of Asian origin.
616
00:37:43,552 --> 00:37:45,012
Yes!
617
00:37:45,263 --> 00:37:48,015
Never play paintball
with a Vietnam veteran.
618
00:37:57,316 --> 00:37:59,151
I don't know if it shows, -
619
00:37:59,277 --> 00:38:01,862
- but I'm in the eighth month.
620
00:38:03,489 --> 00:38:04,782
Yes.
621
00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:09,495
It is very rare and unusual -
622
00:38:09,620 --> 00:38:12,873
- to see a pregnant female comedian
on stage.
623
00:38:13,416 --> 00:38:15,459
For female comedians -
624
00:38:16,294 --> 00:38:17,628
- do not get pregnant.
625
00:38:22,091 --> 00:38:23,884
Think about it. I challenge you.
626
00:38:23,968 --> 00:38:25,303
There are none.
627
00:38:25,636 --> 00:38:28,639
When they get pregnant, they disappear.
628
00:38:28,764 --> 00:38:31,058
Unlike male comedians.
629
00:38:31,225 --> 00:38:32,601
When they have children, -
630
00:38:32,768 --> 00:38:35,313
- they are on stage a week later, -
631
00:38:35,396 --> 00:38:38,607
- and says: "Damn, I've had a baby.
632
00:38:38,774 --> 00:38:40,484
The baby is worthless!
633
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:42,611
It's hard and boring!"
634
00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:45,448
The other bad dads
in the audience think:
635
00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:48,617
"Hysterically fun! I can identify myself!"
636
00:38:48,743 --> 00:38:50,536
Their reputation is only getting bigger.
637
00:38:50,745 --> 00:38:54,707
Suddenly they are festive family men
that can be related to.
638
00:38:54,832 --> 00:38:57,001
While the mother is at home, -
639
00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:58,627
- gets chafing on the tits -
640
00:38:58,711 --> 00:39:00,296
- from breastfeeding the baby, -
641
00:39:00,504 --> 00:39:03,799
- and wearing a frozen diaper
for the mutt to heal -
642
00:39:03,883 --> 00:39:05,926
- after the baby's head has passed.
643
00:39:06,010 --> 00:39:07,136
She is busy.
644
00:39:12,099 --> 00:39:14,143
I don't know how it will turn out for me.
645
00:39:16,771 --> 00:39:19,315
Many of my female comedian friends -
646
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:23,486
- which are much more successful
and famous than I, -
647
00:39:23,569 --> 00:39:25,237
- warned me about having children.
648
00:39:25,321 --> 00:39:28,574
They said, “Ali, why should you have children?
649
00:39:28,657 --> 00:39:30,868
You will disappear.
650
00:39:31,035 --> 00:39:34,080
You're going to be a lousy housewife."
651
00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:37,375
I said, "Yes, that would be the dream."
652
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:42,588
That's the point. That is the end goal.
653
00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:45,674
I have won!
654
00:39:47,927 --> 00:39:50,012
Another thing my friends said -
655
00:39:50,096 --> 00:39:52,390
- when they warned me about having children, -
656
00:39:52,473 --> 00:39:54,517
- was: "Why should you have children?
657
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:57,812
Why not just travel the world
with your husband -
658
00:39:57,895 --> 00:40:01,607
- and do what you want for the rest of your life, -
659
00:40:01,816 --> 00:40:03,567
- without kids in tow."
660
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:05,569
I said, "It's okay…
661
00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,696
Until my husband dies."
662
00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:11,242
Which he will do before me.
663
00:40:11,992 --> 00:40:14,620
As an Asian woman -
664
00:40:14,870 --> 00:40:18,332
- I will definitely come
to reach an age of one billion years.
665
00:40:21,585 --> 00:40:22,837
Guaranteed.
666
00:40:23,045 --> 00:40:25,756
Like a Galapagos tortoise.
667
00:40:26,924 --> 00:40:30,010
We've all heard the expression
"Blacks don't get wrinkles"
668
00:40:30,970 --> 00:40:32,972
Asians don't die.
669
00:40:36,183 --> 00:40:39,687
We don't die.
Women in particular live forever.
670
00:40:39,895 --> 00:40:41,897
This is why we are lousy drivers.
671
00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:45,693
We are trying to die.
672
00:40:50,030 --> 00:40:53,200
We think:
"Hoo, I'm going to test how immortal I am!"
673
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:57,997
“I'm going to signal a left turn
and shit at the red light."
674
00:40:58,789 --> 00:41:02,084
“I'm making a right turn…
I changed my mind, a U-turn!"
675
00:41:03,043 --> 00:41:05,171
"I changed again! O-turn!"
676
00:41:12,803 --> 00:41:15,473
Every time I get into a car accident, -
677
00:41:20,686 --> 00:41:24,648
- I think: "Oh, my God! Not again!"
678
00:41:25,107 --> 00:41:27,985
I hold my face
so people don't see -
679
00:41:28,068 --> 00:41:30,446
- that it is as they thought.
680
00:41:33,782 --> 00:41:35,367
So embarrassing.
681
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:37,953
My Toyota Corolla looks terrible.
682
00:41:39,705 --> 00:41:42,833
It has a big scratch,
as if a bear clawed it, -
683
00:41:42,958 --> 00:41:46,295
- after an aggressive brick wall appeared
from nowhere.
684
00:41:47,630 --> 00:41:50,174
On the hood there are handprints -
685
00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:54,470
- from pedestrians who wanted to pay attention to me
on its existence.
686
00:41:57,014 --> 00:41:58,641
There must be something wrong with me.
687
00:41:58,724 --> 00:42:01,018
But I'm still alive.
688
00:42:04,230 --> 00:42:08,192
So I need children who can
keep me company as I age.
689
00:42:08,817 --> 00:42:09,818
It is lonely.
690
00:42:09,902 --> 00:42:11,695
Mom is 80, -
691
00:42:11,820 --> 00:42:14,406
- and in the middle of the midlife crisis.
692
00:42:18,827 --> 00:42:21,997
She knows she has at least 100 years left.
693
00:42:22,665 --> 00:42:23,874
And she is so lonely.
694
00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:25,751
All her white friends, dead.
695
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:28,337
The Mexican friends, dead.
696
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:30,381
Black friends, dead.
697
00:42:38,097 --> 00:42:41,141
I was just kidding!
She has no black friends!
698
00:42:44,019 --> 00:42:47,481
Life is not
like in the movie Rush Hour, okay?
699
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:53,779
I need children who are there for me -
700
00:42:53,904 --> 00:42:55,948
- when I get to be as old as her.
701
00:42:56,031 --> 00:42:58,867
By "is there" I mean "pays."
702
00:42:59,118 --> 00:43:02,037
When my husband is not in life
and provides for me.
703
00:43:02,538 --> 00:43:04,873
I'm not going to be an old Chinese -
704
00:43:04,957 --> 00:43:08,877
- who make a living by collecting cans.
Forget it.
705
00:43:09,503 --> 00:43:12,464
Old Chinese aunties are not ashamed of anything.
706
00:43:12,881 --> 00:43:14,717
"I'm just going to collect cans, -
707
00:43:15,342 --> 00:43:16,635
- become bald, -
708
00:43:17,177 --> 00:43:19,013
- go to the park, do this."
709
00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:38,073
It is a free activity -
710
00:43:39,116 --> 00:43:42,995
- for them. They are wearing
its V. Stiviano sunshade, -
711
00:43:43,454 --> 00:43:46,165
- his Darth Vader-Tomb Raider-
Boba Fett helmet.
712
00:43:47,374 --> 00:43:50,794
Because they have to protect themselves
from his archenemy, the sun.
713
00:43:51,337 --> 00:43:53,839
They are not going to go out before it.
714
00:43:54,673 --> 00:43:58,552
They and the sun are like Tupac and Biggie
in terms of longevity.
715
00:44:05,017 --> 00:44:08,854
There was another reason
to the fact that I wanted to have children.
716
00:44:09,229 --> 00:44:11,398
I'm only 33, -
717
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:13,734
- which does not mean a high risk, -
718
00:44:13,817 --> 00:44:17,529
- but my body started to change.
719
00:44:18,113 --> 00:44:22,451
It scared me. I'm only 33, but...
720
00:44:24,411 --> 00:44:27,790
My mutt is not as wet as before.
721
00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:32,711
It's demoralizing.
722
00:44:32,878 --> 00:44:35,756
Do you remember when you were 18, -
723
00:44:35,923 --> 00:44:39,927
- and the mutt was soaked the whole time?
724
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:42,680
It was taken for granted -
725
00:44:42,763 --> 00:44:46,642
- that you could at any time
stick your hand down your panties, -
726
00:44:46,809 --> 00:44:48,686
- and when you made the V sign -
727
00:44:48,769 --> 00:44:51,855
- would there be a snail trail
between the fingers.
728
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:54,066
Juiciness.
729
00:44:54,191 --> 00:44:56,568
You could blow bubbles with it.
730
00:44:59,738 --> 00:45:03,659
I'm Slimer!  Ghostbusters!
731
00:45:08,872 --> 00:45:11,375
I don't know how I will be as a mother.
732
00:45:19,258 --> 00:45:22,219
I am 33 and needed -
733
00:45:22,302 --> 00:45:26,056
- some medical help
when I was trying to get pregnant.
734
00:45:26,140 --> 00:45:27,474
Which largely -
735
00:45:28,058 --> 00:45:29,768
- probably my own fault.
736
00:45:29,893 --> 00:45:31,687
For in their 20s -
737
00:45:32,062 --> 00:45:34,481
- I ate the day-after pills as small treats.
738
00:45:36,483 --> 00:45:39,987
My uterus looked fine
like a smoker's lungs.
739
00:45:42,906 --> 00:45:44,908
I was told -
740
00:45:44,992 --> 00:45:48,829
- that my progesterone levels
were alarmingly low.
741
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:52,624
I received hormone therapy
in the form of suppositories, -
742
00:45:52,749 --> 00:45:55,919
- which would be printed every night.
743
00:45:56,044 --> 00:45:58,839
While I was at work
on Fresh Off The Boat -
744
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:01,925
- and had a briefing for my colleagues, -
745
00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:04,178
- did the pill usually fit -
746
00:46:04,261 --> 00:46:07,347
- to dissolve and melt down
in the underwear, -
747
00:46:07,431 --> 00:46:10,726
- and I have to pretend
that everything was as usual, -
748
00:46:10,809 --> 00:46:13,562
- which it clearly wasn't.
749
00:46:14,354 --> 00:46:16,815
Also, the progesterone had a side effect.
750
00:46:16,899 --> 00:46:19,276
It gave me the itch.
751
00:46:19,526 --> 00:46:22,988
I had to
to try to scratch me unnoticed -
752
00:46:23,071 --> 00:46:26,658
- under the conference table,
and then resist the impulse -
753
00:46:26,742 --> 00:46:30,245
- to immediately smell the fingers.
754
00:46:30,787 --> 00:46:33,123
I want to be able to smell your fingers -
755
00:46:33,207 --> 00:46:35,834
- when I want, it's my damn fingers.
756
00:46:36,043 --> 00:46:39,505
Housewives can itch
and sniff all day.
757
00:46:39,755 --> 00:46:42,674
They vacuum, scratch and sniff.
758
00:46:42,841 --> 00:46:46,178
They make a sandwich.
759
00:46:46,261 --> 00:46:50,682
Watching TV programs about home renovation.
Checking the situation.
760
00:46:53,602 --> 00:46:56,605
When you scratch,
you only think about one thing.
761
00:46:56,855 --> 00:46:59,858
“When can I smell my fingers?
762
00:46:59,942 --> 00:47:02,402
When can I unnoticed -
763
00:47:05,948 --> 00:47:07,199
- smell your fingers?"
764
00:47:07,574 --> 00:47:10,327
Curiosity is nature's way -
765
00:47:10,619 --> 00:47:14,540
- to protect one,
you have to check that everything is okay.
766
00:47:14,706 --> 00:47:17,501
If it smells strange
then you have to see a doctor.
767
00:47:17,584 --> 00:47:19,628
Fingarrna is the first online doctor.
768
00:47:25,968 --> 00:47:28,762
When my husband and I were trying to have children, -
769
00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:31,765
- people said: "My God, how sexy.
770
00:47:31,848 --> 00:47:33,725
Of course you beep a lot?"
771
00:47:34,935 --> 00:47:38,355
No, mate. That's what you do
when you're 20, okay?
772
00:47:38,564 --> 00:47:40,190
When you are 30 -
773
00:47:40,274 --> 00:47:43,819
- and have been trying to get pregnant for a while,
it becomes clinical.
774
00:47:43,902 --> 00:47:48,198
People pee on test strips
which informs when the eggs roll away.
775
00:47:48,282 --> 00:47:50,117
It tells when it is Easter.
776
00:47:52,202 --> 00:47:54,955
I was only willing when it was Easter.
777
00:47:55,122 --> 00:47:57,791
Four days every month.
778
00:47:57,874 --> 00:48:00,502
The other days I said:
“We're not going to beep.
779
00:48:00,586 --> 00:48:02,004
You have to save yourself.
780
00:48:02,254 --> 00:48:05,215
The sperm should be
so full of restraint -
781
00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:09,011
- anger and as aggressive as possible.
782
00:48:09,094 --> 00:48:12,055
It should be like a commanding cry
which breaks out.
783
00:48:14,391 --> 00:48:16,977
They shall pour out like angry refugees -
784
00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:19,146
- fleeing a dictatorship!"
785
00:48:21,982 --> 00:48:23,275
And...
786
00:48:23,900 --> 00:48:27,654
Most of the time we didn't even have sex, -
787
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:30,198
- because I was so tired when I got home, -
788
00:48:30,282 --> 00:48:33,076
- and I saw the happy old man
on the test stick -
789
00:48:33,243 --> 00:48:35,037
- and realized it was time, -
790
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:37,998
- so I usually just gave
my husband a manual job, -
791
00:48:38,081 --> 00:48:40,667
- and he closed his eyes.
792
00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:43,378
I know what that means.
793
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:46,048
When someone closes their eyes while having sex, -
794
00:48:46,131 --> 00:48:49,259
- is it not because of ecstasy, -
795
00:48:49,343 --> 00:48:52,387
- which they have to close their eyes.
796
00:48:52,471 --> 00:48:54,473
When someone closes their eyes while having sex, -
797
00:48:54,556 --> 00:48:56,516
- is it because he's trying -
798
00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:59,728
- suppress the image of one's face -
799
00:48:59,811 --> 00:49:02,689
- and imagine
two lesbian latin americans -
800
00:49:02,773 --> 00:49:06,526
- which he saw earlier in the day on RedTube.
801
00:49:07,152 --> 00:49:09,154
Preferably for me, because then -
802
00:49:09,237 --> 00:49:12,199
- he won't see my min which means:
803
00:49:12,532 --> 00:49:14,618
"Hurry up."
804
00:49:16,119 --> 00:49:19,456
I always knew when he was about to finish, -
805
00:49:19,706 --> 00:49:23,835
- because the indication of it is
same for all guys.
806
00:49:23,919 --> 00:49:25,629
That's when they get -
807
00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:28,965
- that stupid face, -
808
00:49:29,591 --> 00:49:32,761
- like they've just been bitten by a zombie.
809
00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:45,440
Because we're hippies, I say, “You!
810
00:49:45,524 --> 00:49:49,861
Look me in the eye and remember to come
with a purpose, okay?”
811
00:49:50,278 --> 00:49:52,823
Then I jumped on him -
812
00:49:52,906 --> 00:49:56,368
- and twerked the crap out of him -
813
00:49:57,077 --> 00:50:00,789
- and did some things
as I learned in Atlanta.
814
00:50:01,373 --> 00:50:04,793
Then I turned upside down.
815
00:50:05,877 --> 00:50:09,589
So that all the Harvard nectar
would seep down inside me.
816
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:14,052
Exactly that.
Because I don't want to work anymore.
817
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:28,650
I am very grateful
because I'm pregnant.
818
00:50:29,025 --> 00:50:31,611
So far, the eighth month.
819
00:50:31,820 --> 00:50:35,073
Last year I had a miscarriage.
820
00:50:35,157 --> 00:50:38,034
It is very common.
Many 20-year-old women -
821
00:50:38,118 --> 00:50:40,746
- panic when they hear it.
They say, “Oh, God!
822
00:50:40,829 --> 00:50:43,582
So horrible. I can't believe it."
823
00:50:43,665 --> 00:50:46,168
I'm 33. Girl, when you're 33, -
824
00:50:46,251 --> 00:50:49,921
- you will know many
who had a miscarriage.
825
00:50:50,088 --> 00:50:53,508
It is common and I wish
that more people talked about it.
826
00:50:53,592 --> 00:50:56,511
Then they wouldn't take it so hard
when they were hit.
827
00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:59,431
Mom is from a poor country.
828
00:50:59,556 --> 00:51:01,892
When I told her, she said:
829
00:51:02,267 --> 00:51:05,520
“In my home country it is
like losing a pair of shoes.
830
00:51:06,813 --> 00:51:08,523
No big deal, okay?"
831
00:51:08,774 --> 00:51:10,984
Everything happens for a reason.
832
00:51:11,067 --> 00:51:15,197
I found out about it
the ultrasound examination in the sixth week.
833
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:16,531
The doctor said:
834
00:51:16,782 --> 00:51:21,620
"I see two egg sacs,
you will have twins.”
835
00:51:22,078 --> 00:51:25,916
I thought, "No!"
836
00:51:27,042 --> 00:51:30,837
She said, "But I don't see a heartbeat."
837
00:51:31,296 --> 00:51:34,508
I thought “Yes!
838
00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:39,554
The Lord is unfathomable!"
839
00:51:41,431 --> 00:51:45,018
Don't feel sorry for me, okay?
They were as big as poppy seeds.
840
00:51:45,310 --> 00:51:48,605
I have poked cormorants
which has been bigger than them.
841
00:51:50,524 --> 00:51:53,235
Most women don't let their husbands see -
842
00:51:53,318 --> 00:51:55,445
- when they miscarry.
843
00:51:55,529 --> 00:51:57,489
I let my husband sit in front of me -
844
00:51:57,572 --> 00:52:00,367
- where I sat on the toilet,
and said, “Now look.
845
00:52:01,993 --> 00:52:04,120
Look at this.”
846
00:52:04,329 --> 00:52:06,164
He felt so sorry for me.
847
00:52:06,414 --> 00:52:07,999
I took advantage of it.
848
00:52:08,083 --> 00:52:10,919
Played it out for a month.
849
00:52:11,002 --> 00:52:15,257
He did everything I asked for, for 30 days.
850
00:52:15,549 --> 00:52:17,843
We saw Beyoncé.
851
00:52:18,343 --> 00:52:20,595
He bought me a bike online.
852
00:52:20,679 --> 00:52:23,515
It's my beloved miscarriage cycle.
853
00:52:24,766 --> 00:52:29,312
For 30 days
my marriage was absolutely perfect.
854
00:52:32,274 --> 00:52:34,943
But I'm afraid to give birth.
855
00:52:35,026 --> 00:52:37,362
Very scared.
856
00:52:37,696 --> 00:52:40,282
That's why I'm thinking of hiring a doula.
857
00:52:40,824 --> 00:52:43,285
Do you know what a doula is?
858
00:52:43,785 --> 00:52:45,620
A white hippie witch, -
859
00:52:48,582 --> 00:52:51,001
- which blows quinoa into one's mouth, -
860
00:52:51,084 --> 00:52:54,462
- to conjure up the pain.
861
00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:58,800
Many girls have tried to scare me.
862
00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:01,636
They are trying to scare me for the birth.
863
00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:05,891
“Ali, did you know you are coming
to poop on the bunk?"
864
00:53:08,310 --> 00:53:10,437
I said, "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it."
865
00:53:13,106 --> 00:53:15,901
I'm constipated
because of the toilet at work.
866
00:53:16,860 --> 00:53:18,445
It will be a purge.
867
00:53:19,988 --> 00:53:22,824
It is not strange
that it happens, because -
868
00:53:23,033 --> 00:53:25,452
- you cringe during childbirth, -
869
00:53:25,535 --> 00:53:28,622
- and even one is told to help, -
870
00:53:28,747 --> 00:53:30,790
- by holding up one's legs, -
871
00:53:30,874 --> 00:53:34,294
- which becomes like the lever on a soft ice cream machine.
872
00:53:34,377 --> 00:53:39,215
So you poop on the floor
before the man in her life.
873
00:53:39,299 --> 00:53:42,510
One realizes that he will leave one
because of that.
874
00:53:42,719 --> 00:53:45,764
Bang, here comes the baby,
so he must stay.
875
00:53:47,307 --> 00:53:49,726
The miracle of life.
876
00:53:54,689 --> 00:53:58,693
I can already realize
how a child makes demands on the marriage.
877
00:53:58,818 --> 00:54:00,820
The baby hasn't even come out yet -
878
00:54:01,154 --> 00:54:04,824
- and I'm already hard on my husband.
879
00:54:05,241 --> 00:54:09,245
I'm so mad at him, esp
when he asks me to do housework.
880
00:54:09,579 --> 00:54:12,749
"You can wash the dishes, right?" No!
881
00:54:12,874 --> 00:54:16,544
"Can you water the flowers?"
I'm not going to do shit.
882
00:54:17,045 --> 00:54:20,090
I'm making the eyes.
883
00:54:20,882 --> 00:54:24,552
Are you the one making the foot?
Wouldn't believe it. Change the channel.
884
00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:32,894
I understand this weird double standard
in society.
885
00:54:33,019 --> 00:54:38,358
So little is needed
in order to be perceived as a good father.
886
00:54:38,608 --> 00:54:43,279
And just as little to be perceived
like a bad mother.
887
00:54:43,363 --> 00:54:45,740
People praise my husband -
888
00:54:45,824 --> 00:54:48,326
- because he accompanies me to the doctor.
889
00:54:48,827 --> 00:54:52,455
"Geez! Think he's leaving
on all your medical examinations!
890
00:54:52,539 --> 00:54:54,708
What a support he is!"
891
00:54:55,208 --> 00:54:58,003
Guess who too
must go for examination?
892
00:54:58,086 --> 00:55:00,630
I! I'm the main character!
893
00:55:01,297 --> 00:55:04,718
Without me there is nothing to film.
894
00:55:05,468 --> 00:55:09,723
What a hero, he plays Candy Crush
while I am drained of blood.
895
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:14,894
But if I take mushrooms when I am
in the seventh month I am a bad mother.
896
00:55:20,483 --> 00:55:22,193
I...
897
00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:25,780
I tutor my husband daily.
898
00:55:26,990 --> 00:55:29,075
Partly because I'm mad at him.
899
00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:32,871
But mostly just to be safe,
because if he leaves me it's over.
900
00:55:33,538 --> 00:55:38,668
I have to chip away at his self-esteem
daily -
901
00:55:39,711 --> 00:55:42,422
- so that he won't get -
902
00:55:42,505 --> 00:55:45,842
- that he is worthy of another woman's love
and leaves me.
903
00:55:46,426 --> 00:55:49,345
He must be detained
by being held in place.
904
00:55:52,474 --> 00:55:55,810
People don't tell you how the body changes -
905
00:55:55,894 --> 00:55:57,437
- during pregnancy.
906
00:55:57,937 --> 00:56:00,273
The nipples become large and dark.
907
00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:02,067
I didn't know that.
908
00:56:02,150 --> 00:56:06,154
They become dark so that the baby
can aim at the target.
909
00:56:07,489 --> 00:56:09,866
They will be easier for the baby to find.
910
00:56:10,075 --> 00:56:13,161
They grow as big as fingers.
911
00:56:13,328 --> 00:56:17,457
"You there! You owe me money!"
912
00:56:18,124 --> 00:56:21,753
Mine look like hamburgers now and naked
I look like one of the Minions.
913
00:56:24,255 --> 00:56:27,133
But I'm not going to be
such a pregnant woman -
914
00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:31,262
- who are trying to get in shape
immediately after they become pregnant.
915
00:56:31,679 --> 00:56:33,973
If you meet me in a year -
916
00:56:34,057 --> 00:56:38,853
- then I will have that kind of body
that I can show naked on TV -
917
00:56:39,354 --> 00:56:42,607
- and get compliments
because I'm so brave.
918
00:56:45,443 --> 00:56:46,820
Who do it.
919
00:56:48,404 --> 00:56:51,866
Now in the eighth month
is my mutt wet again
920
00:56:52,659 --> 00:56:55,411
But not in the same way
like when i was 18.
921
00:56:55,495 --> 00:56:57,413
When it was sexy.
922
00:56:57,497 --> 00:57:00,250
I wondered what was causing it.
I checked.
923
00:57:00,333 --> 00:57:02,377
The mutt is wet again because -
924
00:57:02,544 --> 00:57:04,504
- the body secretes mucus -
925
00:57:04,587 --> 00:57:07,632
- which protects the baby from bacteria.
926
00:57:10,176 --> 00:57:11,678
It's not the same thing.
927
00:57:12,971 --> 00:57:17,434
When it's like super glue or wound salve.
928
00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:24,482
You know...
929
00:57:24,649 --> 00:57:28,653
Before I met my husband,
i dated losers.
930
00:57:28,862 --> 00:57:31,030
Then I met the man of my dreams.
931
00:57:31,114 --> 00:57:33,199
Much prettier and better than me.
932
00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:35,076
Degree from Harvard.
933
00:57:35,368 --> 00:57:37,328
Worked hard to catch him.
934
00:57:38,037 --> 00:57:41,875
Managed to get him to propose.
My God, then we got married.
935
00:57:41,958 --> 00:57:45,211
My dreams came true.
We got pregnant.
936
00:57:45,336 --> 00:57:48,548
We have bought a house, our common home.
937
00:57:48,965 --> 00:57:52,594
Two weeks into the payment procedure -
938
00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:57,390
- I was told
that my wonderful, Harvard-educated husband -
939
00:57:57,932 --> 00:58:01,311
- had debts of $70,000.
940
00:58:06,024 --> 00:58:12,113
I paid everything
with my hard earned TV money.
941
00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:24,209
Apparently he was the one who caught me.
942
00:58:29,255 --> 00:58:30,798
How did it happen?
943
00:58:31,132 --> 00:58:33,259
How did he manage to trick me?
944
00:58:34,260 --> 00:58:38,389
Maybe because he left
at Harvard Business School, -
945
00:58:38,806 --> 00:58:43,061
- the epicenter of financial crime.
I got the Enron treatment.
946
00:58:43,978 --> 00:58:46,940
And now I have to work
for us to survive!
947
00:58:48,191 --> 00:58:51,861
Why else do you think I'm performing
in the eighth month?
948
00:58:51,945 --> 00:58:55,073
Okay! I'm Ali Wong!
Good evening, everyone! Thanks!